The Redneck Diaries
by SassyJ
Summary: AU and a spot of culture shock for Sun Hill's Finest...... plenty of SP, JS, and pairings that have not yet occurred to me.... Plus good ole Redneck Jokes......
1. Chapter 1

_You might be a Redneck if... your ride is an F350 with a gun rack in the back..._

_The great Jeff Foxworthy is the inspiration behind this story, and the Redneck jokes are either his work or inspired by it. Pairings contained within this tale: Phil/Sam (like cod and chips), Jo/Stuart (more like chalk and cheese), Neil/Beth (sort of May/August!) and possibly others which haven't yet occurred to me._

* * *

_A new DC joins the station from the wilds of the Southern States of the USA... culture shock will ensue..._

* * *

**A Redneck Princess...?**

The usual round at the Seven Bells was getting, as per normal, quite noisy. Mickey stared into his beer. He wasn't quite sure exactly why he'd agreed to come, other than he'd promised an old mate that he'd meet him. It had been quite a while since he'd met up with Duncan Lennox, now newly divorced, newly promoted and, if rumour be true, newly in love with a new girlfriend.

The big Scot was always good for a laugh, so Mickey agreed to a beer in the Bells.

"Mickey."

He turned his head, "mate, I'd just about given up on you." The big Scot sat down. "What you drinking?" He was about to fish in his wallet.

"Nae, keep yer money in there," Duncan said "my shout." He leaned over the bar and attracted the attention of the barmaid. "A pint and whatever he's having."

Mickey looked his friend over, it had been a while, and Duncan had gone through a very bad patch with the divorce, had gone away to the States on an exchange for a year, which had turned into two years, and wasn't long back in Britain. And he looked the better for it, tanned and considerably slimmer than Mickey had last seen him. His taste in Italian tailoring hadn't changed, and for a second Mickey wondered how he could now afford it.

Duncan appeared to have added mind reading to his talents, he grinned at his friend. "Hey, it's all paid for. Thing is," and he blushed, "I've rather fallen on my feet..."

Mickey stared "so the rumours are true..." he gazed incredulously at the big Scot, _how does he do it, he's not exactly George Clooney..._ "you sly old fox, you. So who is she, some cattle baron's daughter."

"Not cattle, oil. She's a cop, and the daughter of a very wealthy wildcatter. Her name's Evie."

he suddenly looked a bit furtive. "Thing is, Mick. She's due to join you lot tomorrow."

"Well, I knew we had a new DC coming," Mickey looked bewildered, "but no idea she was a Yank."

Duncan winced "not a Yank...dear god... don't call her a Yank... trust me that would be a very bad thing ...Evie's from Mississippi."

Mickey's only real knowledge of Mississippi was the film which added _burning_ to the title. From what he remembered of that, it didn't seem particularly helpful as a reference point.

"Okay, I was seconded to New Orleans, after Katrina," Duncan tried to explain. "I met Evie when there was a murder which crossed state lines and she became involved in the case." He shivered, remembering a very bad time and pinned his friend with a stare which said _please don't ask_, "Evie was brilliant. We tracked this guy for five whole days, finally found him shacked up the ruins of a house in the ninth. It got very nasty. But we got him."

"So what d'you want me to do about Evie then?" Mickey carefully changed the subject, _whatever happened in New Orleans clearly wasn't a bed of roses_...

"Be nice to her, show her around," Duncan glanced around him at the noisy bunch inhabiting the bar "it's very different over there, and I want her to be happy."

Mickey grinned, Duncan was clearly very deeply smitten. "So what's she like."

"A cross between Daisy Duke and Lara Croft from Tomb Raider. But hotter than both of them."

"You're kidding."

"Nah..." Duncan took a big swig from his glass. "Finish up and come back with me to meet her."

Mickey knocked back the contents of his glass. "Well come on then." He was surprised at just how smitten Duncan was, and _this I have to see._

They left the pub.

Mickey walked into the station in a daze, Duncan had not exaggerated, Evangeline Morel was at least six foot in her stocking feet, with a knockout body, a beautiful face and a down home southern twang delivered in a husky voice that conjured up some very impure thoughts indeed. _The station lotharios are going to go out of their minds._ He glanced up at his companion, _this is going to be interesting..._

Evie walked up the ramp next to her lover's old friend oblivious to the admiring glances she was drawing from the relief, this was Duncan's old station and she was determined to make a good impression. She'd never met anyone quite like Duncan, and when her twin brother Toby had gotten that herpetology tenure at the zoo in London, she'd jumped at the chance to go back with the man who'd stolen her heart. So the three of them had decamped to London with Toby's snakes and were sharing a house that her daddy had bought them.

Mickey was saying something, and she recalled herself to the present with an effort. "What you sayin' hun."

"I was saying that this is a good opportunity to show you where everything is before the day starts." Mickey grinned, quite apart from her more obvious charms, Evie was kind and uncritical with a warm, generous heart, _it would have been a surprise if Dunc hadn't fallen for her like a ton of bricks._ He hadn't missed the slightly stunned look on his old friend's face, _wondering how he'd fallen so lucky._ For a few seconds Mickey envied his old friend, not that Dunc didn't deserve some happiness after what had been a lousy three years or so, but his luck only emphasized Mickey's own lonely state.

He yanked himself back to the present. From their progress through the station, Evie was drawing a great deal of attention, by the time he'd steered her quickly into and out of the canteen, cases of male whiplash were rising by the second. One of her considerable charms was that she seemed completely unaware of the effect that she had on the opposite sex, treating everyone with the same warm friendliness. How had Duncan put it, _she could get a soldier out of bed before reveille and in bed before lights out..._

Even Jack Meadows appeared susceptible to the not inconsiderable Morel charm. He took her hand to shake it, and seemed reluctant to let it go.

_Oh my god._ DI Samantha Nixon stared, _she's a total knockout... I can see trouble ahead._ She looked across the office to her partner DI, Neil Manson. And pursed her lips. "Neil. You're staring."

"Errr..." Neil looked very confused for a moment. And blushed. Turning back towards his desk, he covered his confusion by shuffling paper.

Sam smiled to herself. This was going to be very interesting. Phil and Stuart were not in yet, and a tiny, wicked little part of Sam was sure the general effect of the new DC would be fascinating to watch. Her own heartache over the two of them had eased somewhat, but she was still a woman, and it didn't hurt to wish them a little confusion and chaos in their lives.

It was fate that Stuart and Phil should walk into CID at the same time, it was also fate that the vision of a six foot beauty with wide blue eyes, long dark blond hair and an amazing figure should stop them both dead in their tracks.

Jack Meadows sighed. He looked at the look on DS Phil Hunter's face, and re-evaluated his options. He had been planning on partnering DC Morel with DS Hunter for the day, a little intuition told him that work was unlikely to be done. He looked at Stuart Turner, and sighed again, perhaps not the smartest choice, but he was unlikely to be chatting her up in the first five minutes, _more like ten. DS Turner it is then._

"Stuart, a word." Jack hoped he was doing the right thing "I want you to take DC Morel with you today, show her around, **how we do things here**," he tried to inject a suitably warning note into his voice, uncertain by the look on his sergeant's face that he was hearing any of it, "is that clear?" He signalled to Evie.

"DC Evangeline Morel, DS Stuart Turner...he will be showing you around today."

In a daze, Stuart took the hand that was offered to him. Her handshake was firm and no nonsense, her smile warm and friendly, _and that's all, so get a grip Turner._ He had enough going on in his life right now, his relationship with Jo was still building very slowly, and he didn't want to spoil it, _by doing or saying the wrong thing._ Stuart was slowly coming to terms with the changes his brush with cocaine and the possibility of a long slow death had wrought in his life, not the least was the warmth of his friendship with Jo, and the extra special something that they shared, but hadn't yet acted upon. Shaking hands with Evie, something told him that she would be a good friend, and nothing more.

"Y'all want to call me Evie," Evie smiled "Evangeline sounds like my maiden Aunt."

Her soft Southern twang was almost Phil Hunter's undoing. He'd encountered many women in his life, indeed he was still carrying a huge torch for one DI Samantha Nixon, who would have been very surprised if she had seen the naked agony that thought brought to his expression. Phil covered it by pretending to shuffle paper in his in-tray, and listen in on the vision of loveliness that was now partnered with his arch rival and sometime buddy, Stuart. Phil shook his head slightly, the younger man got on his nerves, and he really hated it when Sam and Stuart got it together, but Stuart and Phil's rivalry was one reason to keep going. As long as Stuart was out there, challenging Phil, there would be a reason to bury the real pain he felt at just being in Sam's presence without having her, that was nagging like an exposed nerve every day. The fact that he and Stuart had a sort of unofficial competition going, and had kept it up for over two years, was an excellent front for the pain in his heart.

Back to more immediate matters, Evie was definitely on his radar. Phil studied her, _hot, sexy as hell, even the whole Daisy Duke look has a certain something. Lucky Stuart._

Stuart was thinking much the same way. Even a boring morning's follow up interviews seemed just a little bit brighter, _and being the envy of the station..._ there was a definite spring in his step as he ushered Evie out the door and headed down to the car.

Three hours later and he had re-evaluated his estimate of his new colleague, _she's gorgeous, kind, clever, gets right into the heart of the matter._ Evie was such good company, he found himself talking about things he would never dream of letting out, even to Jo. She was just too easy to talk to.

Jack Meadows ran a hand over his head, and looked at Neil in hope. "Anything new."

His DI sighed, "no. We need a way in."

Lorry loads were being hijacked from one depot and the method and place of hijack was constantly changing. The worst part was not knowing where the next one would strike. They had a very angry haulier, and one driver in hospital, they were no closer to catching the gang than they had been three months ago.

Neil looked at his guv, he'd been dreading this suggestion, but it was the only way.

"We need someone on the inside. Preferably two someones."

Meadows didn't like it, but he could see the merit in it.

At the two thirty briefing they laid it out to the assembled team. The silence that followed spoke volumes.

"Whatcha need is someone that can move right in..." Evie's southern drawl dropped into the silence.

Jack looked round, that was the last thing he wanted, but need was obvious. He really didn't want her to take this on her first day, but he nodded anyway.

"Ahm guessing that you don't have too many truck drivers here." she went on. "Well y'do now."

"It's too dangerous." the words were out of Neil Manson's mouth before he'd even realised what he'd said. Looking round the room at his colleagues' expressions, he guessed he was saying what they were all thinking.

"Dangerous." Evie smiled. "My... y'have no idea ..."

"It is." Terry added his estimate to Neil's.

"Son..." she fixed Terry with her gorgeous blue eyes. "while y'all was listenin' to Copperhead Road, ah was livin' it. Nothin' I can't handle, an' ah'll have back up." Stuart found himself nodding without intending to. Evie winked and that was his undoing, right then he would have followed her into hell if she'd asked him.

"Mind you, y'all will have to change."

"Change?" Stuart looked bewildered.

"Y'clothes." Evie winked again, "whaddya think ah meant..."

She sized him up and Stuart blushed, "think I got somethin' in the back of the truck which will do it. What size y'take?"

Stuart looked totally at a loss, but he followed Evie anyway. Oblivious to the sudden murmur of conversation and the sniggering behind him.

Evie's truck was huge, a big white shiny thing covered in chrome, it even had a gun rack hanging in the back. She opened the back door of the double cab, and rummaged in the mess of clothes on the back seat. Held up a grey long sleeved t-shirt, put her head on one side and sized him up again. Went back to rummaging. Five minutes and they were headed back to the locker room. She paused outside the men's room, "lose the t-shirt and sweater, and take that belt off," handing him the grey t-shirt, a big red and white check flannel shirt, and a heavily tooled western belt with a huge buckle, he turned to enter the locker room, but she stopped him "y'jeans tuck into the top of the boots." She thrust a pair of working boots at him. "See you upstairs in five."

He took the clothes, tried to summon up an image in his head of what he thought a trucker ought to look like and went in.

Stuart stood outside the briefing room and fidgeted a little, he was far out of his comfort zone, the clothes were all a bit big which didn't do much for his confidence, but he'd followed her instructions. He pushed the door open. Took a quick look round, _Grace, Stevie, Jo, Sam, Terry, oh god... Phil._

Jo's lips twitched and she bent her head to hide a smile, Stuart looked very uncomfortable, if sort of cute, dressed like Garth Brooks. She'd warmed to Evie's bold confident personality and thought that if anyone could pull this off, it would be Evie. _Perhaps it's just what we need, a different point of view..._

Neil and Jack laid out the plan. Stuart and Evie would take the truck and drive it along the route specified by the haulage company, they were the bait.


	2. Snakes Alive!

_You might be a redneck if... you think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines"._

* * *

Four days of hauling up and down the motorway was beginning to wear on Stuart's nerves. Evie had dragged him into an army surplus store, and rounded up a few more of her brother and boyfriend's shirts for him to wear, so he looked _like a proper redneck trucker_. Stuart was slightly alarmed to discover that the redneck thing, about which he knew very little, was also alive and well in the good ol' UK. This just wasn't his turf, and he was smart enough to know it.

But the upside was getting to know Evie better, and being able to talk about things that he wouldn't have dared talk about with anyone else. He'd heard about Duncan, so knew she was attached, _which is good, you have quite enough in your life right now,_ his romance with Jo was still on, sometimes more off than on, but they still had something together and Stuart didn't want to spoil it. He could talk about Jo and his feelings for Jo with Evie, secure in the knowledge that she wasn't going to split on him, _as she puts it_, Evie was good at keeping her tongue still. And Evie would talk about Duncan and her feelings for him. She was obviously completely committed to the big Scot, _Phil, Nate and Callum don't stand a chance_, and that thought made him feel quite good.

They were pulling up to the lay by when he became aware that they were no longer alone, a van was keeping pace with them. _Shit, where's back up..._ "We've got a bite."

"I know. Was gonna let'em geta liddl closer."

"Can you hold them off, I can't see back up." Stuart pressed the button on the radio, "Back up, where the hell are you."

"Sure can."

He shot her a quick look, and was not reassured by the look on her face, he had a feeling this was going to be a terrifying experience.

"You needn't sound like you're enjoying it."

"Hey, Stu, this is fun."

Her foot went hard down on the accelerator.

"Back up where the hell are you." he growled into the radio, this was all going to go to hell fast, and he didn't have a clue what to do, if things deteriorated.

"Stu, unclench yur ass cheeks, will ya, I got it."

She handled an eighteen wheeler like it was a race car, and that really didn't do much for his confidence, but he was mildly reassured by her confident tone.

"Right behind you," Tony Stamp's voice came over the radio and Stuart nearly dropped it in relief.

"Block behind them, we'll box them in from the front..."

He grabbed the handle above his head just in time to prevent collision with the windscreen, "jeez..." he bit back the swear word, they were screaming to a halt, and he clung to the handle _this is going to be a hard stop._

Stuart jumped down from the cab, he barely had time to register the thick layer of rubber that they had left on the road, before a hefty looking guy was steaming towards him, yelling at the top of his voice, some instinct made Stuart step to the side, and the guy collided with the open cab door with a loud crunch.

Stuart bent over the stunned goon "You're nicked, mate."

The goon's nose was bleeding profusely and he looked dazed and confused. Which pretty much summed up Stuart's general feeling about the entire bust. He could hear the yells and snarls from the other members of the gang as his colleagues rounded them up. _Shit, we did it._ The relief was enormous.

He wasn't given to infectious displays of enthusiasm, but Evie's high five was too infectious to resist. And the back slapping from his colleagues felt really good too. But it was Jo's approval that he sought most of all.

* * *

Back at the station, he sought her out. He wanted and needed her approval, it meant so much more than the others. He got it.

Jo looked at Stuart, three day growth of stubble, hair rumpled, he looked like he'd slept in the baggy clothes he was wearing, _damn he looks so good..._ His slightly pleading expression made her smile. "Well done ... hun." She slid her arms round him for a quick hug, surprised when he hugged her back, and dropped a quick kiss on the side of her neck.

"Stuart," she whispered, "we're in the station..."

"Don't care..." he gave her a final squeeze and stepped back.

* * *

An hour into the interviews and the euphoria was wearing off rapidly. The gang were a bunch of rent-a-thugs of the kind that could be found in most down-market pubs almost anywhere in the poorer parts of London. Their link was the depot deputy manager.

Sergeant Smith and PC Beth Green were sent to pick him up.

The news was not good. The man was dead. "Looks like drugs." Smithy gave them the bad news.

Meadows sent Stuart, Evie, Phil, Grace, Terry and Jo round to pull the place apart.

* * *

Evie looked down at the dead man, he was slumped face down over the bath in the master suite, as though he'd been trying to reach for the taps, which didn't make much sense. She peered a little closer, dimly aware that Grace and Phil were going through the drawers and closets behind her in the bedroom.

Evie pulled him backwards towards her, trying to get a better look at his neck. What she saw froze her in place for a few seconds. _Shit._

"Guys... whatever you're doing, jus' drop it, back away quietly and slowly and get out of here." Something about the urgency of her tone, made them obey. She exited towards the stairs, fishing in her back pocket for her mobile. Turned around to look at her colleagues. They were all standing around, staring at her like she'd gone mad. "Out, guys. NOW!"

Phil squared up to her. "What's the matter with you, we have a job to do."

"Hunter, trust me on this, that man did not die of a drug overdose. He was bit."

"Bit, bit... bit by what."

"Snake."

Phil thought she was barking "Snake, what are you talking about."

Evie scowled. "Wake up..." She resisted the urge to knock on his skull, see if there was anything in there... "he was bit by something poisonous." She waited a second for them to absorb that information. "I called my brother."

"What poisonous snake? DC Morel, there are no poisonous snakes in Britain." Phil sighed, he was in charge and it would be his decision. He thought Evie was raving. "What's your brother got to do with it?"

"He's a herpetologist."

"Well, until he gets here, we have a job to do..."

"That's a really bad idea."

Phil didn't like having his authority challenged, he cast a look at his fellow DS; Stuart spread his hands wide, "leave me out of it." Stuart was not keen to go back in that house. Phil looked at the others, "Grace, come on..."

Grace Dasari was no fool, but letting her DS go in there on his own, was an even worse idea. Reluctantly she followed.

Stuart scowled irritably, he trusted Evie's instincts, and thought that Phil was an idiot. _What if there's something really dangerous in there._ He dug in his pocket for his mobile.

* * *

Grace cautiously pulled open the cupboard door, she could hear Phil rummaging around in the sitting room. True so far nothing had leaped out at her, but she still had a bad feeling about this. She gingerly poked about in the cupboard. _Nothing_.

The sound of a powerful engine cutting out just outside the house distracted her momentarily, as she pulled open the larder door. _The sound of voices._ She stepped forward without thinking. Something moved at speed. Grace looked down and screamed.

Time seemed to stand still, she was falling, screaming in fear, a pair of very strong arms closed round her, and she fell back against a broad chest. Images seemed jumbled up in her head, and she gazed uncomprehendingly up at her rescuer. As he laid her carefully down, she had a vague impression of a big solid, good looking, outdoors type of man, quite unlike the kind she normally associated with, his voice seemed to come from somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon line, she had another confused impression that he was asking someone what her name was, as he slit up her trouser leg. A small part of her wanted to protest at the destruction of her wardrobe, another part could feel his hands gently, but very firmly, dealing with the small puncture wound on her leg. Grace made a vague protestation, that it wasn't serious, "Stay with me, Gracie..." his voice seemed to be coming from far away.

Toby Morel scooped the young woman up in his arms. "No time for that ambulance." Looked at Phil, "you drive." He headed for the door. In a daze, Phil followed. "Keys?"

"Back pocket."

"There's four back pockets here."

"Left cheek, left cheek."

Phil fished in the indicated pocket, pulled out the keys, heading towards the big blue car without even thinking.

"Son..." Toby paused, his arms still full of Grace, "we both kaint git in the same door..."

Phil flushed, and dived round to the other side, was in the door and sat in the driver's seat before he realised he had never driven a car quite like this in his life. Gingerly, he flicked the keys, the eight litre v10 engine roared into life.

"Any time y'like..." Toby bent over Grace again, using the snake bite kit one handed wasn't the easiest but he had Grace on his lap, "y'see what bit her."

"No."

Phil planted his foot, the big car shot forward and he swung the wheel hard, they careered out of junction and made a run for St Hugh's.

* * *

Evie stared around at her stunned and scared colleagues, she didn't relish a hunt through the house for an angry snake, but since Grace's life might depend on it.

"Anyone want to live dangerously with me." She left the statement out there. Not wanting to push anyone into something they didn't want to do.

Stuart stepped forward, it wasn't as though he was feeling bullet proof, but Evie's confidence was catching, and he couldn't leave her on her own, he would never hear the end of it from several people.

"I'll do it."

Jo didn't know whether to kiss him or hit him for being such an idiot. Terry put it better than she could "Sarge, that's just daft."

"I'll be fine, what could possibly go wrong..."

Jo could think of a thousand things, and Terry, probably a few more. But saying it wouldn't exactly be helping.

But it was Evie who found it, which was a good thing. It was under the kitchen table, and in a very bad mood.

"Tell St Hugh's it's a Copperhead. Agkistrodon contortrix."

"Ag... what!" Stuart kept a wary eye on the kitchen door. Evie reached into her pocket slowly and handed him her mobile. "Speed dial 2. My brother, he's got the anti-venom in the trunk of his car. Take the phone outside, youall upset the snake."

Her whole attention on the pit viper in front of her, Evie began to talk to it in a singsong voice...

This was just too much. Stuart backed out. Hit speed dial 2. Mercifully got through on the second ring. He relayed the information. It had been a long, bewildering and occasionally terrifying day. He was in need of a drink of something strong, a shower and some rest and recuperation in the company of a certain someone.


End file.
